Then Reclusion Continued:  I’ll admit I have been quite reclusive for a few years now.  I don’t go out like I used to, although it has been getting better since this past August.  Sure, I’d go to my favorite bar after work quite often, but I don’t really consider that going out.  I know why I have been in semi-reclusion, but that’s more for another post.  The main reason, though—men.  But then again, the main reason for most of the pain people experience is caused by men, now isn’t it?  (I’m proud to be gay, but there are still times when I think it may be a bit easier to be straight.  Then I remember that I would always only have tuna sandwiches and that’s just not something I want to eat all the time for the rest of my life.)

Zombie Strippers:  It was a series of firsts for me the night I went to go see the movie, Zombie Strippers.  The movie was a limited release movie and it was my first time seeing one of those.  It was playing at a theatre in a town I had never been to, the AMC in South Barrington, IL.  The movie, starring Robert Englund and Jenna Jameson, is cheesy B-horror at its best, and so much more.  Zombie Strippersis out on DVD now and I highly recommend it.  It has a lot of comedy, bad acting and dialog, and some fantastic make-up and special effects.  If you’re a horror fan, this is a must-have!

A Momentary Lack Of Bitterness:  I finally broke down and placed a personal ad online after not having one for years.  Through it, I met a great guy who lived not even 10 minutes from me and I started dating for the first time in 3 1/2 years in August.  He was the first guy I ever asked out and I was the first guy who ever asked him out.  He was so different from any other guy I had ever met, but in all good ways, including having a great personality and model-hot looks.  He was into romance (I actually got flowers from him!) and leather S&M.  He was pretty much everything I had always wanted in a guy.  Unfortunately something happened, and he had to break up with me after only three weeks of dating.  I understand why he did and cannot blame him for it.  I know why we were entered into each other’s lives.  I wish him nothing but the best.  He made me happy for the first time in years and apparently that was my bad.  I substituted bitterness for happiness, and I look back on that time a just a momentary lack of bitterness.

Driving Miss Directionally-Challenged:  In October I actually drove to Chicago for the first time ever.  By myself.  Without a map or GPS system.  Just directions from a friend.  I am completely directionally-challenged, so really, this was a huge accomplishment for me.  I went to bear night at a leather/bear bar in Chicago.  Big, hairy guys as far as the eye could see with some leather thrown in.  Mmmm…..  Salty goodness.  All I ended up going home with was my memories of those guys, but it was good enough for the time.  So good, in fact, I went the next month as well.  I missed going in December due to the weather, but I know I will be back.  And next time I’ll probably dip myself in honey first before going in…

Gay Zombies:  Yes, I admit I am a huge zombie fan.  It’s the rare zombie film that I haven’t seen.  In November I went with a couple of friends to go see Otto; or, Up With Dead People.  I first heard about this movie in a magazine in 2007.  When I heard it was being screened at the Chicago Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I had to go see it.  A pornographic gay zombie movie directed by Bruce LaBruce?  Yep, I am SO there!  The movie was quite eclectic and very weird at times, but it was highly enjoyable.  I am hoping that some distributor out there will pick it up and it will be available on DVD.  The scene with the zombie fucking the hole (showing his real cock!) he made in the other guys stomach is absolutely classic!

Pretentious Poser:  I went shopping on “Black Friday”, the day after Thanksgiving, for the first time ever.  Now I know why I have never shopped on that day.  But I really want to do it again.  (Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. )  I bought a few things (all for myself), but my prize was getting a new iPhone.  I had needed a new phone for quite some time, and the iPhone was the only one I really wanted.  There were a couple of Blackberries I was considering, but I just couldn’t help wanting to be a pretentious poser and saying I have an iPhone.  There are only a couple of things I don’t like about it, but I seriously have no idea how I lived without this iPhone.  Have I mentioned I have an iPhone?

Novel November:  I voted in the year’s election for Barack Obama and when he won, I could not have been more proud to be an American.  Unfortunately, Prop 8 in California passed, which took away the rights of gays and lesbians to marry.  I attended my first  protest rally at the Cinemark Theatre in Evanston, IL due to the passing of the proposition.  I blogged about both of these events here and here.

Personal Jackassery:  I decide to bill myself as “America’s FAVORITE Gay 3rd Wheel”.  Why?  Because I am and I can.  In December I made my first video and posted it up on YouTube.  I also wrote a blog to go along with it.  Entitled Holiday Greetings 2008, this cheery bitter greeting is for all my friends and family and complete strangers who unwittingly stumble across it.  I have gotten most of my humorous writing voice back and cannot be happier about it.  I have been blogging more and will continue to do so more throughout this new year.  I just hope I don’t end up rimming and fucking a resin “Kiss My Butt Elf” again anytime soon.

What’s To Come:  You can expect a lot more blog postings from me as well as quite a few videos.  I wanted this to be posted on the first, but was busy setting up and preparing for my next video.  I bought my first camcorder the day after Christmas.  In the meantime, please feel free to ass my as a friend on MySpace and Facebook.  Also, please subscribe to my YouTube page and follow me on Twitter.  You never know what to expect from me.  As I’ve always said, if you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh (and point!) at the person who’s doing stupider things than you are.  Which is usually me doing the stupider things.

Happy New Year and may 2009 bring you lots of laughter.

This little fucker here is a prime example of a tacky gift. No, this was not given to me. (If a person gave this to me, I would bash it repeatedly over their head. Blood and brain matter–if they had any–could only improve this thing.) It was given to my mother for whatever gods-awful reason. The lady (one of my mom’s co-workers) who gave this to my mom told her it was supposed to make her laugh. Laugh at what? The chick’s feeble mind for thinking it would be amusing? The money that was spent on what is soon-to-be destroyed trash?

Seriously, it can’t even be re-gifted. Unless, of course, we don’t want to keep our friends.

This putrid piece of puzzlement goes with nothing. Except garbage. It goes great with that.

You would think that during such an economic crunch like we are experiencing right now, tacky and gag gifts would not be on the list this year. The money spent on this was a complete waste. That money could have gone to buy food, put gas in the car, or even buy a decent present for someone else. Or, if she was so intent on getting rid of the money spent on it, she could have just burned the money and given my mom the ashes. (At least then it would have been funny when she opened it up and the ashes flew in her face. Well, funny for me, at least.)

Because of this so-called gift, I have come up with short lists of good and bad presents.

Good Presents: Cash, gift cards to places you know the person shops at, and hairy leather daddies. (Okay, that last one may just be for me. I am still single and horny, after all.)

Bad Presents: Sweaters (really, any kind of clothing), re-gifts of any kind, and resin “Kiss My Butt Elf” statues.

So, before I destroy this stupid statue in a video*, I thought maybe I could do some perverted things with it for some laughs after all.

*I will have a brand new video (How To Get Rid Of Crappy Christmas Gifts) that will be posted by next Saturday, January 3, 2009. If you would like to know when it’s posted for sure, please visit My YouTube Channel and subscribe. You’ll always know when I post a new video, and if there’s a blog to go with it, the link will be posted there. Also, you can follow me on Twitter and always know right when I post something or am out making a complete jackass of myself.

Well, it’s that time of year again. Yep, it’s time to get boozed up and go see the family that you have been avoiding the rest of the year.

There are so many holiday greeting videos out there and I figured one more couldn’t hurt, so I made my own. (Although, it may hurt to watch mine, so if you’re a sensitive little cry-baby who is easily offended, watch it, and then go cry to your mommy that I hurt your wittle feelings.)

So here is the cheery bitter holiday greeting I made for you. I even threw in an extra-big helping of my own personal stupidity for you! Enjoy! Or not. Whatever. Your choice.

(Sorry about the quality of the video. I will be getting an actual video camera next week. This was made using my Nikon Coolpix S210. Great camera for pictures, but battery goes quick when trying to make videos, especially when I have to do so many re-takes because I can’t remember my own lines to the script that I wrote.)

Tip: When making your own rum balls (main ingredient: booze!) be sure to add some crushed Valium or Xanax. Either give these to your family (good choice) or eat them all yourself (most recommended by me).

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

• Part 1 – (What you’re reading now) Getting There. This part talks about my ordeal of just getting to the protest. There’s a reason why it has taken me 30 years to finally start driving myself to Chicago.
• Part 2 – The Protest – This part deals with the activities of the protest itself. Included here are pictures taken and a video. (Sorry the video looks bad. My camera was cold. The message comes through loud and clear, though.)
• Part 3 – The Good, The Bad, and The Miscellaneous – This part talks about my seeing the guys from my favorite podcast, Feast of Fools, Fausto Fernos and Marc Felion, and getting to talk/dork-out-in-front-of Marc, and also how I accidentally supported communism. Don’t ask. Just read.

Part 1 – Getting There

Last Saturday, November 22, 2008, I attended my first protest rally in Evanston, Illinois. The protest was for the boycott of the Century Theatre there. The CEO, Alan Stock, donated $9,999 to support YES on Prop 8 in California, which took away the rights of gays and lesbians to marry. He is also the CEO of Cinemark, CineArts, and Tinseltown theaters. For my comedy and humor writing, I have been billing myself as “America’s FAVORITE Gay 3rd Wheel”, but on this I cannot be a third wheel. I need to protest. I cannot sit back and continue to be treated like a second-class citizen. I protested not only for myself, though. I protested for the civil rights and equality of gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgendered, and questioning people all over the United States.

Anyway, I was ready for the protest. I made my sign earlier that day (the picture to the left). Apparently the camera adds 10 inches, as I thought I would have a normal-sized sign. Nope. Not me. That is just not my luck. I had the biggest sign. And it was a bitch to picket on the sidewalk with, as I was trying to avoid hitting people with it, avoiding trees, and in general, trying not to crotch myself with it when the wind picked up.

Since we were boycotting a theater, I wanted my sign to have something movie-related to it. I kept coming back to this saying after almost a week of non-stop thinking about it. The ultimate bitch-fest, All About Eve, is one of my favorite movies. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to put in parenthesis “(and Eve)” at the bottom. Marriage is all about love, no matter who wants to get married. And of course, it’s always all about Eve, as well. I added the equality symbol to the sign as well. Homosexuals deserve equal rights. We are humans. We are your friends, family, and co-workers. Don’t hate a group of people based solely on their sexual orientation, race, sex, religious background, nationality, or anything else. Hate individuals. Hate a person because that person is a dumb-fuck or whatever, but not because of who they fuck. That’s what I do and it works for me.

Okay, back to getting lost. I had my driving directions printed out for both ways (there and back). I was on my way and doing great. Turns out, the way to get there was, for the most part, the same way I have been driving to Chicago the past couple months. It’s easy to get to. Well, not so much when they close down part of a road and there’s a detour, which totally throws off the mileage count. And then there was the exit-y looking street. I have seen a lot of roads like that in other places, and you always have to turn down these roads. Even though the road looks like it would still be open, a lot of times, it is a two-lane one-way street and you can’t drive down it. So I took the exit-y looking street. Whoops.

I ended up driving around for 45 minutes, completely lost. I didn’t know any of the streets, where I was, or even how to get back to the street I had been on. Finally I stopped at a Walgreen’s and bought a map. When the young cashier guy asked how I was doing, I replied, “I’m doing okay, except for being so very, very lost. Thus the need for the map. How are you?” He just laughed and said he was good and then asked where I was trying to find. The Century Theatre was only about a mile-and-a-half away from where I was. I thanked him profusely and left.

I found parking on a side street and walked to where the cashier said it should be. When I rounded the corner, there were the protesters, picketing and chanting. I walked back to my car, grabbed my sign, and walked back to join the protest.

Continued in Part 2 – The Protest

Since this was my first real protest, I had no clue about what was going to happen, or even how to join in. I just found an opening in the picket line and jumped in. I’m sure I had a look on my face that said I was about three counties away from knowing what I was doing, where I was, and what the hell was going on, because, really, I had no clue. (Especially after arriving an hour late due to stupid road construction and my serious case of being directionally challenged.) All I knew was I was there for a cause I deeply believe in and I was having fun.

During the first picket line, there were chants of “What do we want? Equal rights! When do we want them? NOW!”, “Hey hey, ho ho, the CEO has got to go”, and “Hey hey, ho ho, homophobia’s got to go.” There were about 300 people there. I didn’t talk to anyone, but I still felt like I was one with them, a community, as we were all there for the same reason. After a while the picket line moved to the other side of the entrance of the theater, where Andy Thayer of the Gay Liberation network would give this rousing speech: (Sorry for the poor video quality. My camera was cold. The message comes through loud and clear, though. Also, I hit a wrong button on the camera and accidentally stopped the recording for a minute, so there is a weird break after about the first 39 seconds or so.)

After this speech was given, we ended up marching through the streets of Evanston, which included us going through the campus at Northeastern University. A few students were coming out of their dorms stunned, as we were going by, as they had no idea what we were doing there. I’m pretty sure I could hear some students from inside their dorms chanting along with us. Anyway, I was just following the march and trying to remember where we were going in case we didn’t go back to the theater. I didn’t need to get lost again and not be able to find my car. As we were marching, quite a few cars were honking their horns, and the only time we stopped our chants, were to cheer for the cars honking. We marched around back to the theater where even more protesters had shown up. By now, though, a lot of people had left (it was a very cold night), but there was still about 150 of us left by 7:30 p.m. It turned out we all could have been arrested for parading without a permit, but the nice black lady officer (who I have seen on the news at other protests/rallies like this) did not arrest any of us, nor did she give us any tickets. (Which is really good for me. I’d rather call up someone to come bail me out of jail for prostitution than parading without a permit. It’s an image/moral thing for me.)

We gathered on the sidewalk again and began chanting, “Boycott Century.” Then we formed another picket line. I ended up leaving shortly after, mostly for the sole fact that I was scared to death I was going to end up getting lost again and driving around for hours, even with studying that damn map I bought.

All in all, it was a great night, despite the cold. I felt more empowered and felt good for fighting against hatred and bigotry. I will continue to go to these protests for as long as it takes until we of the GLBT community have our equal rights, which includes the right to get married and have all the benefits that go with it.

More interesting tidbits fromt his protest in the final installment – Part 3 – The Good, The Bad, and The Miscellanious.

My personal highlight of the night, and really, my year, was seeing the guys from my favorite podcast, Feast of Fools, Marc Felion and Fausto Fernos. They were there dressed in their panda outfits that Marc sewed for Halloween.

Marc and Fausto are a gay couple living in Chicago. The Feast of Fools is a daily (Monday through Friday) podcast that is entertaining, funny, informative, and offers strange news. It is one of the best produced podcasts I have ever heard and it is very worth your time to go check them out.

As per my usual self, I completely dorked in front of Marc. While we were marching, I caught a panda out of the corner of my eye. (You know, that’s not something you get to say everyday…) I turned and said, “I love the Feast of Fools.” At first I had no idea if it was Marc or Fausto I spoke to, due to the makeup on. When I heard him reply, “Oh, thanks,” I knew it was Marc. At this point the police had said something about private property, which neither one of us completely caught. Marc asked me, “Are we going on private property?” I just had to reply, in all my dorkiness, “I don’t know. I’m not from out here.” Okay, it’s true I wasn’t from out there, but I say that instead of something like, “I didn’t catch what they said.” I’m really beginning to think that no matter how much I go out and interact with people, my social retardation will always get the best of me. *Sigh*

Fausto was nice enough to message me on Facebook. He said he saw me at the protest and was sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk. That’s just so sweet. Oh, and they looked absolutely ADORABLE in their panda outfits! The pictures and videos on thier site do the costumes no justice. And check out their panda videos on their YouTube page. Funny as hell!!!

Okay, I wanted to get all the good stuff out of the way for this. Can I just start with saying this sort of shit only happens to me. While still at the protest, the organizer, Andy Thayer, was speaking and I was trying to listen. While I was listening, a lady who I thought was protesting with us, came up to me and started talking a little. She was carrying newspapers and asked if I would like one. I said sure and she told me it was dollar. I was still trying to listen to Andy while digging out a dollar from my wallet. She gave me the paper and I waited until I got home to read it.

The name of the newspaper is Revolution. I figured it to be an activist newspaper from the name (kind of like Margaret Cho’s book and DVD of the same title) and also the headline and picture on the cover were about another Prop 8 protest. I glanced at the name of the newspaper and it hit me that it didn’t say “Community” where it ws printed “The voice of the revolutionary communist party, usa.” Nope. Not Community. Communist! I fucking supported communism. (By complete accident, mind you! I’m not familiar in any way with most of the small publications in Chicago.) Although I will say two things on this:

1. If we had to suffer through George Dubbyuh even longer than we already have, I would have really considered communism a much better choice. (Though, really, I would just move to a European nation, like England, Germany, or Russia. Mmmm… German and Russian men… *DROOL!!!*)
2. If communism is supporting gay rights, well, I really don’t know what to think about that. On one hand, it’s nice to have the extra support, but on the other hand, it’s still the fucking communist party. I don’t hate communists, I just don’t like the practice of communism. People are free to believe in whatever kind of society they want. Hell, I’ll even admit that I love the theory of Utilitarianism. In actual practice, though, it would never work, so I don’t really think too much about it. In the end, though, if they are supporting us, I guess $1 to support them isn’t too much of a big deal. I’m still conflicted a little morally and ethically on this, but what’s done is done.

Next time someone asks me if I want a newspaper, though, I am so asking them what kind of newspaper it is. It’s just another question to add to my list of “Fuck! Now I Have To Ask This, Too” things. I wish I could say this list is getting shorter. Noooo. Not me. Not the eternal dork. The list gets bigger every year because of the dumbass stuff I get myself into, which again, is almost always by complete accident.

Seriously.

Accidents.

I still hear you chuckling.

(Nobody ever believes me…)

Anyway, I will continue to protest and bring you the updates much sooner than this one took me to. Please be sure to check out the Feast of Fools and subscribe to the podcast and watch their videos.

This isn’t a funny post, but it isn’t meant to be. I am GAY! I am PROUD! I am an AMERICAN! I am HUMAN, dammit! And I won’t sit back and say or do nothing any longer!!!

Most of you do not know, but I have been touting myself as “America’s FAVORITE Gay 3rd Wheel” for my comedy and humor. But with the passing of Prop 8 in California a couple weeks ago, I cannot be a 3rd wheel with this.

As many of you do know, there was a protest all over the U.S. and the world, last Saturday protesting Prop 8, which took away the rights of gays and lesbians to marry. Now there is a protest against one of Prop 8 supporters, Alan Stock, CEO of the Cinemark Company. He donated $9,999 to support the ban on gay marriage. This Saturday, November 22, at 5 p.m., there is a protest calling for the boycott of Century Theatre in Evanston, IL at 1715 Maple Street.

Mr. Stock lives in Utah and Cinemark is one of the largest theater chains in the U.S.

There are also boycotts being planned for the other Cinemark-owned and operated theaters: Century, CineArts, and Tinseltown.

We all know that without gays and lesbians, he would not have movies to be seen in his theaters. We are everywhere, but there are many of us in the entertainment industry. So, please, if you can attend, I will see you this Saturday at 5 p.m. at the Century Theatre, 1715 maple Street in Evanston, Illinois. If you cannot make it, or you live in a different state, please ask everyone you know to NOT go to the theaters mentioned above. By going to these theaters, you are supporting someone who supports hatred against gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people.

Also, Wednesday, December 10th is Day Without A Gay day. Let everyone you know who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and straight but supportive know to call in gay (or sick) to work on this day. This is a day that all of us who call in are to volunteer somewhere where we are needed to help. I don’t know where I will be volunteering that day, but when I do, I will let you know. Let’s show the world just how truly loving, supportive, and caring we homosexuals really are! So remember, call in gay (or sick) to work on Wednesday, December 10th.

For more information, please visit DayWithoutAGay.org and also JoinTheImpact.com.

Please help me spread the word by forwarding this to your friends.

Tonight (well, technically Saturday night, as it’s almost 1:30 a.m.) I went out to dinner with my mother. We went to a local diner and got waited on by our usual waitress. During the course of our meal, though, a new waitress was coming around with coffee and asked my mom, “Would you like more coffee, sir?”. Yes, she said sir. While looking right at her. I was too stunned to say anything. The only things I could think of was she looked right at her and still said sir, young and blond equals dumb, and stupid, stupid girl.

My mother replied with,”Yes, please,” all the while giving the girl a dirty look. Now my mom has short hair and was wearing a man’s coat (no, she is not a lesbian), but when you look at her from the front, you can tell she is a woman. This stupid, stupid girl did not apologize, even after my mother spoke, which definitely should have indicated that she is female.

When our regular waitress came back to ask how everything was, I replied,”Okay, except for the insults.”

Waitress: “Are you being mean again?”

Me: “No. (pause) For once.”

Waitress: “Then is she (pointing to my mom) doing the insulting?”

Me: “No. The chick who just came around with coffee was doing the insulting. She called my mom a “sir”, even when she was looking right at her and did not apologize for it.”

Waitress: “I’m so sorry. I’ll have a talk with her.”

I don’t think our waitress talked to her, which is fine. I got my say in to the stupid, stupid girl when paying the bill.

I said (in my sarcastically sweet voice), “You know, I just want to thank you ever so much for insulting my mother by calling her “sir” and not even apologizing for it. Keep up the good work. Just remember, though, that beauty fades. Dumb is forever. Bye-bye.”

And with that I turned on my heel and walked out the door, leaving the stupid, stupid girl to just stand there, not knowing what the fuck just hit her. Her eyes were bugged out, mouth agape, and just the total look of utter shock and horror was all she had. I didn’t give her a chance to respond and that’s the way I wanted it.

Right after I walked out, I went next door to the gas station for some soda and milk. The guy working the counter was really cute. He started talking to me the instant I walked in the door, most likely from sheer boredom. We kept talking the whole time I was looking, even though I was on the other side of the building. When I got up to the counter, I really got a good look at him and realized just how damn cute he really was. I kept my cool (as much cool as I could ever possibly hope to have, at least) and paid for my stuff. We continued to talk about nothing for a couple more minutes and then I left with the impression of the really cute Indian (dot-head Indian, not casino Indian) man dancing in my head.

Here I was, just finished being mean to a stupid, stupid girl without any hesitation or fear, and yet I could not muster up enough courage to tell a cute guy I think he’s cute. (And yes, I’m pretty sure he was gay, which would be the only reason to really tell him.) It’s no wonder I’m single.

So this I vow: From now on, whenever I want to compliment someone, I will. I will say the nice things I always want to say to complete strangers but don’t. I will not fear the possible negative consequences of telling a guy I think he is cute or sexy or whatever.

But don’t worry–I’ll still say all the mean stuff, too.

Yes, I am a bastard. This I admit.

Two weeks ago I stopped at the grocery store after work to get a few frozen dinners since I was too lazy to actually cook. While I was there, I picked up a couple other things, including the new Incredible Hulk 3-disc DVD.

When I got home, I took one of the Hungry Man dinners* out to eat, took the other two I bought and stuck them in the freezer, and took the rest of the stuff out of the bag and put them away. I heated up the dinner and went upstairs.

The next day when I got home from work, I was again too lazy to cook, so I reached in the freezer for another Hungry Man dinner. When I took the top one, it wasn’t another frozen dinner sitting beneath it, but the Incridible Hulk DVD I had bought the night before. I actually forgot I bought it. (Yes, I’m an impulse buyer and forget what the hell I’ve bought half the time when I do. It’s like Christmas when I open the bags from the stores and see what useless shit I have bought.)

I opened up the DVD and let it “defrost” for a few days. All 3 DVD’s in the package were fine. Apparently not only is the Hulk incredible and almost indestructable, but also defrosts nicely after being frozen.

*Yeah, yeah, I know these things are horrible for a person, but I don’t eat them all the time. Most of the time I do cook healthy stuff, but when I’m lazy, I’m LAZY! Oh, and note to the makers of Hungry Man dinners: Lay off the sodium! If I wanted to ingest that much salt, I would drink from the Dead Sea.

I’m going to be starting a podcast with a good friend of mine to debut in around February/March of 2009. I have been doing a lot of research of the technical side of podcasting lately to help myself get ready so I don’t just turn on the microphone, hit the record button, and sound completely like the ass I am. (I only want to sound a little like an ass.) So for the starter basics, I wanted to get a microphone, desk stand, and pop filter. Little did I know it would be more of a challenge to get a fucking microphone than a blow job.

This past Monday I went to 3 different electronic stores and left each of them empty-handed. After going to my local Best Buy, Circuit City, and Radio Shack, all electronic supply stores, and not being able to find a handheld microphone in the damn lot of them. Circuit City sold vacuum cleaners, but no handheld microphones. What the fuck?! I was told all the other Radio Shacks around sold handheld microphones, but the one I went to (as is my luck) had those taken out of the store about a month ago. All these places sell electronics. So this begged the question from me: When did electronic stores stop selling electronics?

The next day, Tuesday, I decided to go to a music supply store. I was hoping they would at least have a microphone and stand. I went to the Tweeter store about 30 minutes from me. I had never been there before, and, of course, the one time I go there, the store was closed. Permanently. They had just gone out of business. It was a good thing I wasn’t looking for a guitar, or I would have been fucked on that, too.

So I went to the Radio Shack in the same town. Finally someone had a handheld microphone and a desk stand. They didn’t have a pop filter, but I could live with that. I bought the microphone, desk stand, and a 1/4″ to 1/8″ plug adapter. I thought I was on my way to being able to podcast, or at least play around with getting it figured out. I really should know better by now.

I went home, set everything up, plugged the microphone into my computer, started up Audacity (audio recording software) and got nothing. No sound. Zip. Nada. Zilch. I checked the connection of the microphone to my computer and suddenly I had sound!

It was a terrible static sound that would not stop.

Crap.

Figuring it may be the microphone, I plugged an ancient headset microphone into the connection. I got the same snapping static sound. Great. Just freakin‘ great. Now I need a new a/v card for the computer. So I took a half day from work (I wanted to watch the election coverage on TV) and went to Best Buy before they closed. (I still like Best Buy, even though they don’t sell microphones.) Just in case I was still going to have problems (I was finally thinking ahead here. Learning from lessons is a good thing.), I bought a USB headset microphone and an a/v card. When the first commercial came on while I was watching the election coverage, I took the a/v card box out of the bag only to discover I bought a sound card. I had been in a hurry, as the store was closing, and grabbed the wrong box. I’ve been planning on upgrading my computer anyway, so I’m keeping it.

I tried the USB microphone headset out and it works perfectly. It is not really what I want, but it will do while I’m learning. Now I just need to get a better piece of recording software. Audacity is pretty good. It is a free program, but I would like my podcasts to sound better than the quality it provides.

I am still on the hunt for recording equipment and will probably have to drive 45 minutes just to find a music store that sells what I want. In the meantime, though, I am getting in some practice on how to use what I’ve got.

It’s called “A Cup of Fresh Hell (Served With A Side of Heaven)”. It will be a funny podcast as well as controversial. I want it to be entertaining and have it also make people think. My friend Chris (the co-host) and I are great friends, but also great opposites. Kind of like a gay Odd Couple. Debates will abound in the podcast, but will they test the limits of our friendship? You’ll just have to listen and find out.